Tag: transformation

In Bloom

Karma isn’t retribution.

Karma is a mirror.

Healing is never about the person you believe hurt you-this part is where most people get stuck. Healing is about taking the time to face yourself-your blind spots. I have been trapped in the loop of blaming the other person, but it leads to nothing but repeating the same cycle in the same karmic loop over and over.

Relationships are the ultimate mirror-and I didn’t like what was being reflected back to me. I had low self-worth, I didn’t take risks, I felt stagnant, heavy, bloated, sick, I was seeking guidance in someone other than myself…

Listen, this is the soul-contract I signed up for. My mother was emotionally unavailable, critical, masculine, and my father was angry, petty, manipulative and jumped ship any time things got too hard.

Not the best foundation to work with as a child.

I repeated these relationships with men over and over again.

And yes, they were a reflection of me.

There was ONE moment in each relationship that mirrored a pattern to me that I was not willing to deal with anymore.

Thank you, God, for the revelations.

It caused me to jump off the speeding train I was on- the one desperate for validation, the one who needed the instagram photos next to a man to prove I was desirable, the one who was performing sexuality, motherhood, womanhood…

It’s me who needed to change.

And I spent a lot of time doing that.

I don’t recognize the woman I once was anymore. I still do not completely understand what happened.

I walk into rooms and people stop their conversations, and just *stare*

My inbox is FILLED with men (I would never date lol)

I get things handed to me, and I am open to it. I do not feel guilt, I do not feel like I need to reciprocate, I just feel open to receiving.

My body lost all the heaviness. My whole face changed- lighter, feminine, glowing. My heart released everything I was holding onto for since childhood, and I forgave myself for the choices I made when I didnt know better.

I allow myself to *feel* without rationalizing. I allow myself to do what makes me happy in the moment, not wait for someone else to bring me joy, and I trust my intuition deeply-she never, ever fails me.

Is it an energy? Is is an aura? Is it the God inside of me?

Is it the fact that I sat and faced myself every single day without distractions, without dating, without men, without makeup, without weed, alcohol, sex…things people use to soothe themselves?

Is it because I want my daughter-the love of my life- to watch her mother live in the truest, most aligned, most beautiful, most creative version of herself? That I never want her to live *small.* That I want her to tap into every beautiful part of her being knowing she has my love and support.

Maybe.

My energy is finally CLEAN.

I still believe in relationships. I know my person is searching for me too- doing the deep healing it takes to create a healthy foundation. He’s probably reading this right now, because God will lead him to my heart. Not lust, status, or validation- nothing shallow.

That is over.

Because that isnt me anymore.

Cheers to the healers, the healing, and my soulmate- Who will know, deeply, he is the luckiest man alive.

Because when he meets me, he will see his own reflection too-love that is whole healed, and awake.

Queen’s Gambit

This last year was total bullshit.

And extremely transformative.

I made a lot of changes- or, perhaps, the universe made a lot of changes for me.

During this bullshit metamorphosis, my therapist mentioned to me, on an ordinary Thursday during one of our sessions, that my face looked a lot “lighter.”

Something has changed, Maria. You’re not hiding behind a mask today.

I looked at myself into the little box on the video call and realized I wasn’t wearing my usual red-lip, dark-winged liner, or any foundation.

Oh, I’m not wearing makeup…I know, I look insane right now…

She stopped me immediately (as therapists often do) and said insane was not the word she would use to describe what she as looking at.

You look happier, Maria. You look like you are coming back to yourself.

Makeup may seem trivial to many, but it is the armor some of us hide behind. There was a point in my life that I refused to go outside, even to run a quick errand, without foundation, eyeliner, and a dark lip on. I would never tie my hair back because I wanted to hide…this face-the one that people told me was too round, these eyes- the ones people told me were not big like Pakistani eyes should be, these lips- that bottom one being gigantic compared to the top one and etc etc etc

Nowadays, you couldn’t pay me to wear eyeliner (I mean, it depends on the amount, but for the most part, I hate wearing anything around my eyes.) My therapist was catching on to something—I was (subconsciously) shedding the mask I had been hiding behind for many, many years.

If you read my first post (which I am assuming no one did lol) I wrote about trying float therapy. One of the things that is expected during this therapy session is that you wipe ALL your makeup off and shower before entering the pool. As the receptionist is telling me this, an old part of me shuddered because not many people have seen my completely naked face. However, I am in the mindset now of stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to try new things…

After the session was over, my friend (and angel, spirit guide) looked over at my bare face, and undone hair and said, “you are so naturally beautiful.” And believe me, this is one of those friends that would never say anything she didnt truly mean.

So I had no choice but to believe her.

I snapped this photo of myself sitting in the car after the session.

And yes, for the first time, I see a natural, classic beauty- one that can be dressed up or dressed down and still be stunningly beautiful.